...................Written in 2002..................
THE LIFE I LEAD HAS CHANGED
DARKNESS HAS TAKEN MY SOUL
DEEP WITHIN THE DEPTH OF MY MIND
................................MY SANITY
I LONG FOR A CONCLUSION TO MY PAIN
ALL THAT I AM SURROUNDED BY ...STILL ALONE
IS THERE ANYONE WHO FEELS AS I DO?
.................................SO MUCH CONFUSION
IS THERE A LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM SORROW?
MY HEAD....SO CLOUDED WITH PAST REFLECTIONS
IS THERE ANY MERCY FOR A LOST SOUL
..................................FREE ME
I HAVE WISHED FOR DEATH TO COME.....IT NEVER WILL
THERE IS NO ANSWER TO MY QUESTIONS...ONLY SILENCE
I EXIST IN WONDER, WITH A HEAVY HEART
...................................SAVE ME
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
MISSING YOU (WRITTEN JAN 19, 1986)
I'm missing you guys again
The thought is always in my mind
Had a hard time accepting you left me behind
One day we were all here
The next you disappeared
But I always seem to feel you near
With each and every new year
Memories I don't let go
Poetry is how I will show
I love you guys with all my heart
Wishing we never had to part
RANDY, ROWDY I'm missing you again
Explaining feelings, I woundnt know where to begin
Memories I will never let go
I shall always love you so
FROM YOUR COUSIN STEPHANIE
TO THE MEMORY OF MY COUSINS
RANDY AND ROWDY MARTINEZ
JULY 16, 1968 - JAN 29, 1978
The thought is always in my mind
Had a hard time accepting you left me behind
One day we were all here
The next you disappeared
But I always seem to feel you near
With each and every new year
Memories I don't let go
Poetry is how I will show
I love you guys with all my heart
Wishing we never had to part
RANDY, ROWDY I'm missing you again
Explaining feelings, I woundnt know where to begin
Memories I will never let go
I shall always love you so
FROM YOUR COUSIN STEPHANIE
TO THE MEMORY OF MY COUSINS
RANDY AND ROWDY MARTINEZ
JULY 16, 1968 - JAN 29, 1978
GOODBYE MY FRIEND
I write this to say goodbye
I know you'll read when you fly
Thank you my friend for being you
Thank you for a frienship so true
Take a little piece of my heart and smile
Cuz I need to let the tears flow for awhile
Don't worry they aren't all from sorrow today
Some come from remembering yesterdays
So much laughter, alittle bit of tears
Couldn't keep count after all these years
I'm so glad you was a part of my life my friend
Fly free, its a new beginning not an end
Say "hi" for me, so lucky are the friends that went before
They get to see you once more
For the friends still here, hold our seats
Cuz we look forward to the day we'll again meet
GOODBYE MY FRIEND
.................................WE ALL LOVE YOU
.................................FROM STEPHANIE
WRITTEN - JUNE 29,2004 B4 LIFE SUPPORT GOT SHUT OFF
FOR : PATRICK JAMES VARNEY
.........JAN 9, 1970 - JUNE 30, 2004
I know you'll read when you fly
Thank you my friend for being you
Thank you for a frienship so true
Take a little piece of my heart and smile
Cuz I need to let the tears flow for awhile
Don't worry they aren't all from sorrow today
Some come from remembering yesterdays
So much laughter, alittle bit of tears
Couldn't keep count after all these years
I'm so glad you was a part of my life my friend
Fly free, its a new beginning not an end
Say "hi" for me, so lucky are the friends that went before
They get to see you once more
For the friends still here, hold our seats
Cuz we look forward to the day we'll again meet
GOODBYE MY FRIEND
.................................WE ALL LOVE YOU
.................................FROM STEPHANIE
WRITTEN - JUNE 29,2004 B4 LIFE SUPPORT GOT SHUT OFF
FOR : PATRICK JAMES VARNEY
.........JAN 9, 1970 - JUNE 30, 2004
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
THEY ARE SIGNIFICANT...MY TRIPLETS NAMES
Well hello world...today is CINCO DE MAYO & THE TRIPLETS BIRTHDAY I want to
Tell you something special I thank u all for allowing me such a privledge (can't
Spell) to be sad everyone seems to understand how much I needed this, people
To listen without rolling there eyes, or saying get over it, because healing is a
Long process for sum as hurt and angry as I have been the bitches have done
Everything to make believe my babies didn't exist and I'm going to tell you how
Much they did.
In a name.......you know parents moms many of you during your pregnacy, that
Sometimes you can really visualize who you baby is gonna look like or there
Personalities and for me it was fun my babies oh I would sit in the bath tub and
Put a cup in my bellybutton and it annoyed them they would just kick and kick
It sometimes knocking it off. It was hard being so happy yet at the same time
So in fear for them, so hopeful yet at the same time facing the reality that they
Wouldn't make it...I always talked to them telling them what a good job they
Was doing being so strong. You see the pregnancy became ectopic (my uterus tore)
And when I tried in the emercency room for help the bitches told them I was just
There to get attention and they distracted the one nurse who was helping me and
I got sent home being told I just had fluid behind my eardrum (it was blood,)
They tried interfering with everything to do with me getting help remember..so
I kept having hypertension my thighs would just I can't even explain it but
I felt for months labor pains that's how it felt and hemmoraging blood so
Bad..so I decided since they was steal kicking to pretend I wasn't pregnant
Anymore so I could get the ultra sound and my skull xrays as proof for
The police department to show the damages the bitches did to my insides
And to show the bitches murdered my babies.
Here's the deal remember they was and still are invading my privacy and torturing
Me, (she said that if the babies lived they'd make sure something bad would
Happen to them) I thought of the beautiful people I visualized my babies to be...1st
ETERNAL I SAW HER WITH DARK HAIR NOT BLACK I SAW THESE BEAUTIFUL
CHEEK BONES AND I THOUGHT OF FAITH HILLS BEAUTIFUL RESEMBLANC
TO WHAT I VISUALIZED (I LIKED TO SAY I NAMED HER AFTER TIM, GET IT? :)
I SAW HER STRONG AND ABLE TO KEEP HER BROTHERS LEVEL YOU KNOW?
OK NOW ORLANDO...I SAW THIS MEDIUM BUILT SOFT SPOKEN GENTLEMAN
BUT A TEMPER WHICH WAS THERE BUT IT WOULD TAKE A LOT TO SET HIM
OFF I SAW HIM ALWAYS THERE THOUGH FOR HIS BROTHER (ILL TELL U BOUT
THAT WITH ORINS STORY) STRONG PRESENCE AND SPOKE HIS MIND AND I
REALLY KNEW THE TOO MEN HE'S NAMED AFTER REALLY MATCH THE SOFTNESS
IN HIS FACE, THE GENTLENESS AND MANLINESS
ANNNND ORIN MY EASY TEMPERED SPIT FIRE :) MAN WHAT SAW WITH HIM
JUST MADE ME GIGGLE SO MUCH LIKE HIS DADDY THAT DADDY WOULD
HAVE TO KEEP HIS EYES AND EARS OPEN 24/7 FOR HIM CUZ HE WOULD KNOW
EXACTLY HOW HE WOULD REACT TO WHATEVER SET HIM OFF :) VERY LOVING
VERY LOVING HE'D BE THICKER AND TALL LIKE MY SON RANDEE (HE'S WAY TALL
OVER 6FT 2) I SAW A SCENE IN STEVEN SEAGAL'S MOVIE EXIT WOUNDS, WHERE
HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN AN ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS AND HE SAYS
HE DON'T HAVE A TEMPER AND HE GETS STUCK IN THE DESK AND PEOCEEDS
TO BREAK IT INTO PIECES .....YEAH THAT'S RIGHT SO SINCE I WANTED BOTH
BOYS TO HAVE O NAMES I PICK ORIN THE CHARACTER NAME INSTEAD OF
STEPHEN SO TECHNICALLY HE'S NAMED AFTER STEVEN MAINLY SINCE STEVEN
BESIDES BRUCE LEE IS THE TAO ONE OF MY INSPIRATIONS OF KNOWLEGE ( HE'S
MORE THAN JUST A MOVIE STAR ) AND THE 2 ROBERTS WELL YEP THEY FIT
ORIN DISCRIPTION :)
OK DEEPER ABOUT THINGS K.....I THOUGHT AND SAW THAT IF THE BABIES LIVED
THE BITCHES WOULD GET TO THEM I WAS SO SCARED AND WHAT IF I DIE FROM
COMPLICATIONS FROM MY BRAIN INJURY ECT...SO I DECIDED KENNY CHESNEY
LOVES THE ISLANDS AND I KNEW HE WOULD MAKE THE BEST 2ND DADDY
EVER (GODFATHER PEEPS) HE COULD TAKE THEM THEIR AND THEY'D BE SAFE AND
IF HE NEEDED HELP FAITH COULD BE BACKUP GODMOTHER...(SHARON
OSBOURNE I NAMED AS GODMOTHER AND U SAY WHY JOAN STEPHANIE?
BECUZ PEEPS I ALWAYS CALL OZZY MY OTHER DAD AND THEY USE TO TAKE
THEIR BABIES WITH THEM ON TOUR AND EVERYWHERE AND PLUS THEY
HAVE HOME IN ENGLAND TOO I WAS THINKING OF DISTANCE AND SAFTEY)
AND WHEN ALL THE BITCHES WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY AND THE WORLD
COULD HEAR AND EVEN SEE IT I KNEW THESE AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
WOULD MAKE MY BABIES SAFE AND GIVE THEM ALL MY LOVE SO THAT THE STUPID
DUMMIES COULDN'T GET THEM
YOU KNOW WITH THESE BITCHES STILL HURTIN ME AND INVADING MY
PRIVACY? THEY WENT AS FAR AS RUNNING WATER IN THE WALLS ESPECIALLY
THE ROOM MEANT FOR THE BABIES I SPRAYED AND STILL SPRAY THE CLOSET WALL
AND UNDER MY KITCHEN SINK ON THE WALL TO KILL AS MUCH OF THE MOLD
I COULD, THEY EVEN MADE PLANS FOR IF I PUT THE BABIES IN DAYCARE THAT
ONE OF THEM WOULD GET A JOB WHERE THEY WAS AT AND DO THINGS TO
THEM TO MAKE ME AND THEIR DAD LOOK ABUSIVE.....PEEPS I JUST COULDN'T
HANDLE THERE PLANS I WANTED TO PROTECT THE BABIES IF THEY WOULDA
LIVED.
THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN FOR YOUR TIME AND FOR LISTENING
I'll WRITE AGAIN SOON ..........MAYBE ANOTHER POEM OR SONG TOO
LOVE FROM ME JOAN STEPHANIE CRUEA
Tell you something special I thank u all for allowing me such a privledge (can't
Spell) to be sad everyone seems to understand how much I needed this, people
To listen without rolling there eyes, or saying get over it, because healing is a
Long process for sum as hurt and angry as I have been the bitches have done
Everything to make believe my babies didn't exist and I'm going to tell you how
Much they did.
In a name.......you know parents moms many of you during your pregnacy, that
Sometimes you can really visualize who you baby is gonna look like or there
Personalities and for me it was fun my babies oh I would sit in the bath tub and
Put a cup in my bellybutton and it annoyed them they would just kick and kick
It sometimes knocking it off. It was hard being so happy yet at the same time
So in fear for them, so hopeful yet at the same time facing the reality that they
Wouldn't make it...I always talked to them telling them what a good job they
Was doing being so strong. You see the pregnancy became ectopic (my uterus tore)
And when I tried in the emercency room for help the bitches told them I was just
There to get attention and they distracted the one nurse who was helping me and
I got sent home being told I just had fluid behind my eardrum (it was blood,)
They tried interfering with everything to do with me getting help remember..so
I kept having hypertension my thighs would just I can't even explain it but
I felt for months labor pains that's how it felt and hemmoraging blood so
Bad..so I decided since they was steal kicking to pretend I wasn't pregnant
Anymore so I could get the ultra sound and my skull xrays as proof for
The police department to show the damages the bitches did to my insides
And to show the bitches murdered my babies.
Here's the deal remember they was and still are invading my privacy and torturing
Me, (she said that if the babies lived they'd make sure something bad would
Happen to them) I thought of the beautiful people I visualized my babies to be...1st
ETERNAL I SAW HER WITH DARK HAIR NOT BLACK I SAW THESE BEAUTIFUL
CHEEK BONES AND I THOUGHT OF FAITH HILLS BEAUTIFUL RESEMBLANC
TO WHAT I VISUALIZED (I LIKED TO SAY I NAMED HER AFTER TIM, GET IT? :)
I SAW HER STRONG AND ABLE TO KEEP HER BROTHERS LEVEL YOU KNOW?
OK NOW ORLANDO...I SAW THIS MEDIUM BUILT SOFT SPOKEN GENTLEMAN
BUT A TEMPER WHICH WAS THERE BUT IT WOULD TAKE A LOT TO SET HIM
OFF I SAW HIM ALWAYS THERE THOUGH FOR HIS BROTHER (ILL TELL U BOUT
THAT WITH ORINS STORY) STRONG PRESENCE AND SPOKE HIS MIND AND I
REALLY KNEW THE TOO MEN HE'S NAMED AFTER REALLY MATCH THE SOFTNESS
IN HIS FACE, THE GENTLENESS AND MANLINESS
ANNNND ORIN MY EASY TEMPERED SPIT FIRE :) MAN WHAT SAW WITH HIM
JUST MADE ME GIGGLE SO MUCH LIKE HIS DADDY THAT DADDY WOULD
HAVE TO KEEP HIS EYES AND EARS OPEN 24/7 FOR HIM CUZ HE WOULD KNOW
EXACTLY HOW HE WOULD REACT TO WHATEVER SET HIM OFF :) VERY LOVING
VERY LOVING HE'D BE THICKER AND TALL LIKE MY SON RANDEE (HE'S WAY TALL
OVER 6FT 2) I SAW A SCENE IN STEVEN SEAGAL'S MOVIE EXIT WOUNDS, WHERE
HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN AN ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS AND HE SAYS
HE DON'T HAVE A TEMPER AND HE GETS STUCK IN THE DESK AND PEOCEEDS
TO BREAK IT INTO PIECES .....YEAH THAT'S RIGHT SO SINCE I WANTED BOTH
BOYS TO HAVE O NAMES I PICK ORIN THE CHARACTER NAME INSTEAD OF
STEPHEN SO TECHNICALLY HE'S NAMED AFTER STEVEN MAINLY SINCE STEVEN
BESIDES BRUCE LEE IS THE TAO ONE OF MY INSPIRATIONS OF KNOWLEGE ( HE'S
MORE THAN JUST A MOVIE STAR ) AND THE 2 ROBERTS WELL YEP THEY FIT
ORIN DISCRIPTION :)
OK DEEPER ABOUT THINGS K.....I THOUGHT AND SAW THAT IF THE BABIES LIVED
THE BITCHES WOULD GET TO THEM I WAS SO SCARED AND WHAT IF I DIE FROM
COMPLICATIONS FROM MY BRAIN INJURY ECT...SO I DECIDED KENNY CHESNEY
LOVES THE ISLANDS AND I KNEW HE WOULD MAKE THE BEST 2ND DADDY
EVER (GODFATHER PEEPS) HE COULD TAKE THEM THEIR AND THEY'D BE SAFE AND
IF HE NEEDED HELP FAITH COULD BE BACKUP GODMOTHER...(SHARON
OSBOURNE I NAMED AS GODMOTHER AND U SAY WHY JOAN STEPHANIE?
BECUZ PEEPS I ALWAYS CALL OZZY MY OTHER DAD AND THEY USE TO TAKE
THEIR BABIES WITH THEM ON TOUR AND EVERYWHERE AND PLUS THEY
HAVE HOME IN ENGLAND TOO I WAS THINKING OF DISTANCE AND SAFTEY)
AND WHEN ALL THE BITCHES WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY AND THE WORLD
COULD HEAR AND EVEN SEE IT I KNEW THESE AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
WOULD MAKE MY BABIES SAFE AND GIVE THEM ALL MY LOVE SO THAT THE STUPID
DUMMIES COULDN'T GET THEM
YOU KNOW WITH THESE BITCHES STILL HURTIN ME AND INVADING MY
PRIVACY? THEY WENT AS FAR AS RUNNING WATER IN THE WALLS ESPECIALLY
THE ROOM MEANT FOR THE BABIES I SPRAYED AND STILL SPRAY THE CLOSET WALL
AND UNDER MY KITCHEN SINK ON THE WALL TO KILL AS MUCH OF THE MOLD
I COULD, THEY EVEN MADE PLANS FOR IF I PUT THE BABIES IN DAYCARE THAT
ONE OF THEM WOULD GET A JOB WHERE THEY WAS AT AND DO THINGS TO
THEM TO MAKE ME AND THEIR DAD LOOK ABUSIVE.....PEEPS I JUST COULDN'T
HANDLE THERE PLANS I WANTED TO PROTECT THE BABIES IF THEY WOULDA
LIVED.
THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN FOR YOUR TIME AND FOR LISTENING
I'll WRITE AGAIN SOON ..........MAYBE ANOTHER POEM OR SONG TOO
LOVE FROM ME JOAN STEPHANIE CRUEA
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